2 months and a day

Yesterday was exactly two months to the day since I became a psuedo orphan.  Wow has it really been two months?  What did I do in two months time?  The world just kept going in that two months too!!

So in two months and a day I have gone to the beach and wanted to call my mom!  I have been sick and wanted my mom!  I have daily got up and check my email and wanted to see my mom's name!  Yep I'm pretty sure I have missed my mom every single day and pretty much every single hour of that day.  It never occurs to you when you have everything that you do actually need or moreless want it, even when you think you don't. 

On our recent trip to the coast we hit the 101 and I got cell reception again.  I was waiting for there to be a message.....I waited a while until I realized no actual message would ever be left by my mom again.  When we finally got to the beach my aunt pulled out her phone and said, "oh!"  She then said I don't have to call your mom and tell her we are here anymore. 

All these things we use to "have" to do that seemed like a burden are now something we all want to do in the drop of a hat!    

Nana Day

A couple days ago Evan was having a "Nana Day."  It's a day where everything is about Nana.  First he got hurt and wanted his Nana, then he woke up from a nap and wanted to shout "I love you" to his Nana.  It was really nice to know that his small 3 year old brain was not forgetting her, so reassuring that she made an impact.  Our day progressed and so did the "Nana" references.  Some things actually made him a little mad, like someone flashing the I love you sign in sign language.  How dare anyone else do that but him and his Nana!  Then came good getting ready for bed; my favorite time of day.  Evan was showering and knocked on the wall...and behold someone knocked back! What?!?!?!  Who could it be?!?!?  Right away Evan says it's Nana mommy! My heart melted and tears started to flow.  He really loves and misses his Nana!  He instantly started hitting the wall harder and yelling, "I LOVE YOU NANA!!"  He got a little irritated when she didn't respond and I simply told him she loved him too and he just couldn't here her!  It's these simple things that make me realize that my mom's impression was left on all of us no matter our age or understanding level! 

Her Voice

Sunday was like every other Sunday, which is fantastic!  We got up and we to breakfast, but afterwards we went to Banducci's Pumpkin Patch for our annual pumpkin picking extravaganza.  It was awesome!  Jeff and Evan were walking around while I meandered through the pumpkins looking for the perfect one to dissect when it hit me.  Yes that train of emotion that barrels through like it has somewhere to be but plants itself in your heart.  My mom would not see our pumpkins this year.  Well actually she will see them, but physically there will be no inspection of them. 
So while I walked I held in the tears.  "I am fine!" "I am fine!"  I told myself.  I then ran into a long time friend...not old because then that means we are old, but a long time friend.  In less than 5 minutes I was a patient of hers, even though she's not a physicologist, crying my eyes out. Seriously poor girl!
Finally I drug myself back to the boys and home we went.  Evan needed a nap and I needed a LONG shower.  I was thinking, which is always a bad thing, about my mom and all the things I miss.  And geez for a fast train why was it not leaving my depot already???  I finally got out and down poured more tears.  Why your wondering?  Well it dawned on me I couldn't remember my mom's voice.  How silly a thought, but in only a month I have already forgotten how she sounds.  Why are our memories so short in remembering something we heard daily for almost 30 years? 
Upon the realization I went and cried to my attentive husband, who was unable to produce words, but I was okay with that.  Finally the train was leaving and I had cried and felt all the woos of the day! 
I realize now that bad days are only here on occasion and I will have to work through them.  The only good thing is it makes me concentrate on something I loved so dearly about my mom!

Happy Birthday Mom

Deborah Lynn McCan was born on October 6, 1950 in Hollywood, California.  She was a month early and still weighed 6 lbs.  So yesterday she would have been 60 years old.  Wow Mom your old!! 

Yesterday was a tough day.  Even though my mom wasn't big on festivities for herself I was well aware of the fact that no more birthdays would be celebrated with her.  In her honor, and would have been against her will, we had grandma's famous tacos.  I know your thinking my ______ makes great tacos, and that I don't doubt, but my grandma makes THEE best tacos.  So we went over to her house and let her cook (not sure she wanted to but oh well right) and devoured tacos.  We tend to eat in shifts cuz it takes a while to get the tortillas ready and let me tell you those shifts were short and sweet.  We devoured every last taco we could!

My mom had the tradition of making the tortillas.  And by make I mean fry them in olive oil until they are crispy and ready for consumption.  This meant I automatically got the job by definition, from a mother to a daughter right?  My sweet Aunt Carrie always holds the plate while my mom fried the tortillas.  She walked up to me with the plate and wimpered.  It was the realization that my mom was no longer there.  It was a nice quiet moment for the two of us as all the taco devouring was happening.

With our tummies full of tacos and delicious Aunt Carrie desserts we sat and laughed about life.  The "young crowd" in the living room laughing about plane rides and an impromptu game of charades, while the "elders" talked politics and other much more boring stuff.  This dinner was quaint and exactly how my mom would want it, no hoop-la! 

So with that said Happy Birthday Mom!  I'm sure you did exactly what you wanted in heaven!



I Need My Mommy

I MISS MY MOM!!!!

Ya it's a pretty evident statement.  I can't imagine a person in the world that wouldn't feel the same way.  I lay here now not feeling great and wishing my mommy could hold me.  I'm a little old for that don't you think??  But I honestly don't care!

This picture was sent to me by a wonderful friend and I love it because it reminds me of her so much.  I know towards the end she looked nothing like "herself" but this picture is the epitome of her.  I think now of all the things I miss.  I miss how she used to chew Clorets gum (that was way back in the day).  I miss how she laughed,  I miss how she said, "wellllll" when she was trying to get a point across.  I miss how she went down the line of all the family members to find someone.  Wow was that sometimes annoying!  I miss the catrillion emails I got on a daily basis from her; even though they were forwarded to every friend and family member she knew.  I miss how she'd tell Evan I Love You in sign language.  I miss everything annoying or not!  I could think of a bunch more things I miss, but I'm pretty sure I'd be here all night.  So it's plain and simple to say MOM I MISS YOU!!!

Ladders and Balloons

Today was a nice relaxing day.  We did a lot of nothing in the afternoon and it was great.  We went for our Sunday bike ride which was very relaxing as always.  We got home and decided to stay outside to enjoy the evening.  Evan swung and we both did stuff outside, again super relaxing.  It got dark, as it does at this time of year, so we sat on the grass and looked at the stars and planes.  Evan decided to proclaim his love for mommy, daddy, and Gugu!  Then I said tell Nana hi and he yelled NANA I LOVE YOU!!!  He then asked daddy to crank a ladder up into the sky so he could see his Nana.  I decided it was time to do something I had promised so I went and blew up a balloon. (I know who has balloons and helium readily available....Me!!!)   

So we went out in the grass and he hugged, kissed, and told the balloon he loved Nana and sent it up!  He watched it until it was completely gone and then said, "Nana already got it."  And then he decided he wanted to do one more just in case she didn't get the first one.

I want the feeling and thought process of a 3 year old!  I want things to be simple and I want to believe that Nana/Mom can be waiting and seeing me in the sky.  So even though that balloon was sent from Evan, in my heart it was from  me too!  

Missing Nana

Again my apologies we have been really enjoying the fair!  We have gone pretty much every night.  Fair food and the atmosphere is a serious addiciton and I am so glad it ends soon because I might have a serious problem.  The fair has been my families past time for quitte a while and that is pretty much my reasoning and excuse.

I had a bad day on Thursday, also the only day I didn't go to the fair....hmmmmmm!!  Anyway I had been thinking that maybe my son was already starting to forget my mom (AKA Nana).  I know most 3 year olds don't have too many lengthy memories and I was sad to think his memories of her would fade so quickly.  On Friday I was getting my son ready for preschool when he asked me a question out of the blue.  

Evan: Will I see Nana again?

Me: (holding tears) You will see her again one day!

Evan:  Can't she come see me again.

Me:  I wish she could honey, but she's in heaven.

Evan: I miss my Nana!

And that was a great reminder that even the youngest of people are affected by memories of a loved one!  I know that the memories of Evans' Nana will be very few because of his age but I will be sure to remind him of what a wonderful person she was.  I want him to also know that she truly loved him and will always be following him and helping to protect him.  She will not be here physically but spiritually she will always be there! 

The Great Kern County Fair

Well I miss a night!  I was doing so good!  I had gone 5 whole days, one whole hand full of blogging and then boom I miss!  It's okay though because I have a good excuse!

We took our son and met a couple of friends with their kids at The Great Kern County Fair!  I wasn't sure  how I would fair (excuse the pun) last night, but I did pretty well.  We had dinner at the fireman's booth, always a hit, and then took the kids to the rides!  It was Evan's first time and I wasn't sure how he would do.  Let's just say he's a little hoarse today from all the shrills of excitement!  I thought of my mom only a few times and every thought was a wonderful memory.  I have a few pictures of me riding rides at the fair and those are some of the best memories!  I also have pictures of me showing pigs, which is something I pray Evan wants to do, and those are the best memories of all! 

At one point when we sat down to eat I was waiting for my phone to ring because my mom was famouse for calling.  It was another on of those twinges and then I realized that it will be okay tonight, I am here to make new memories!  And that is exactly what we did!  I'm am happy to say that I was able to realize that making my own memories with my son is important, becuase that is what my mom did with me and I need to carry that on! 

Now to convince him that showing pigs is cool.  Anyone have any subliminal message tapes about 4-H rocking??? 

My Heart Hurts

 
 

    I woke this morning with the worst pain, my heart hurt!  It was like my heart was falling out of my chest or was breaking into very small pieces slowly.  I wasn't sure what to do but with that feeling I knew today wasnt' going to be so great.  I hate that feeling first thing in the morning.  I honestly hate it in the afternoon and the evening; I actually always hate it!  I can't think of a time when I said, "oh boy my heart feels great when it's falling out."

When this feeling comes it is like a storm.  It sneaks up on my and hits hard; hurricane Deborah strikes again!  These feelings are like all the stuff in the ocean being swished around inside of me.  It doesn't feel good and any chance of it stopping is not for seen.  Unfortunately I know why this all started.  Last night I had a dream about my mom.  She was asking me to stay with her, and even though I wanted to my brain was telling me I had so much I should be doing. She asked so nicely, but almost in a begging since.  I felt incredibly guilty. My insides were being torn from the inside out!  I woke up to realize it was all a dream and she would NEVER ask me for anything again. 

With all these emotions stewing inside of me I decided I needed to take that passion and do something my mom had always wanted to do.  Although I won't yet tell everyone what it is I will be sure and share sometime in the future. 

All I want to do is make my mommy proud!

The History of Deborah McCan

I said I would give a little background on my mom and since I'm actually feeling pretty good, again, I decided this is a time. 

My mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in August 2008.  Just 2 short months after my son was born.  We found and instantly went to UCLA to meet with a doctor (with whom her name escapes me).  She was very nice and told us that if it was only in the esophagus they could fix it.  Fantastic!!  Well after a CT, MRI, and every other test with an initial the cancer was also found in her left lung.  Strike out!

So since it has already metastasized they could not do the surgery and recommended chemo and radiation.  My mom was optimistic and underwent all treatment with gusto.  The first round wasn't so bad.  Then a short test that determined it didn't work as they intended.  So with that she went again.  This round was worse, but she still held hope.  After a few months another test and it looked ok, not great, but just ok!  So following that a few months later was another test which came back bad!  Dang it, I know your thinking it too!  So this time she underwent a more aggressive chemo which made her extremely sick!  It even put her in the hospital.  After it was over she  decided that was all for her and the relationship of chemotherapy.  She hated being sick and I can't say I blamed her!  Plus by now she was sick of me shaving her head, two times was plenty for her.  Finally she started undergoing just radiation for the lung cancer which just wasnt' getting the picture of needing to leave.  Seriously after 3 rounds of chemo and radiation you would think it would get the picture. Ok,so she was undergoing radiation like I said and started experiencing horrible headaches. She went to see her doctor and underwent another CT scan. This one unfortunately came back with super bad results; the cancer had spread to her brain. So with that and the almost 3 year anniversary looming she decided she was done.

She decided she was done on August 4th that she was now going to just enjoy life to the best of her ability.  She wanted to volunteer and help kids read.  Unfortunately she wasn't ever able to do that.  She started on hospice on August 9th.  She had her ups and downs but on the week of August 30th her battle became very evident that it was soon ending.  She went from playing on the floor with my son to laying in bed and not able to do anything. 

On Friday September 3rd her battle was ending and the hours were dragging.  So at 8:55 pm after a long battle my mom went to meet with God!  This day was not just hard because of her death but also it was my husbands birthday.

So as you can see my mom was a strong person!  She did the best she could, but unfortunately the cancer overcomed her!  A few days laters I overheard a thing on Children's Miracle Network that says cancer needs to get cancer!  I completely agreed. 

Heaven, Where Art Thou??

Today was good....wow did I just say that?  My husband and I spent some much needed time together doing exactly what we wanted.  We test drove a truck, something we use to do as a past time, we went to the grocery store and a trip to the all famous Home Depot! 

With all this we had a great we also started discussing how heaven is and how you might be once your there.  Here is a list of our questions we came up with us.

Does heaven have days and nights?
Where is heaven?
Is a person able to look down and see us at anytime?
Do they want to?
Do they miss their other life or are they too happy to even think about it?
What does someone look like?  The same or is ur resemblance completely different?

Our questions went on and on.  My husband than said, "I really don't want to find out for myself for a long time."  Well put my dear!

I have found that my new obession is to help my grandma as much as I can.  She is 82 years old and has taken care of everyone and I know my mom wanted to make things easy for her.  So with that said I have decided that I need to take that torch and run with it.  I hope that my mom in heaven (where ever it might be) will take the time to see that I'm doing my best to carry on for her! 

Maybe this will also help me heal!!  Guess we will see?!?!

The Twinge

Today has been, um, well just plain crazy!  Evan and I took a road trip to see a "welcome baby" shower.  My wonderful friend Sarah had her second child, and she is plain gorgeous!!!
See for yourself!

(Kacey)

As we were making our journey to visit her and I was on a long stretch of the highway, I waited intentionally for my phone to ring.  (Dang our modern technologies)  I thought my mom will call shortly and ask, "are you there yet?"  "What's Evan doing?" 
(Side note:  My mom was the master of asking questions, repeatedly!!!!!!)
So I realized then, like every time, she would not be calling to annoy me!  Darn her!
While thinking of how our set conversation would go I passed the exit to her job site.  That set off the waterworks.  Something that is unsafe when your driving, like texting. So I text my husband, I know shame shame!  He text-talked me through it and again I was off. 

I finally arrived at my destination and had  fantastic time.  I was talking with my wonderful friend Sarahs' mother.  She paid her condolences and said I don't know how you do it.  Que waterworks!!!  She then went on about her way until my son went and crawled in her lap.  My heart swelled and sank all at the same time.  It made me realize that my son, like myself is suffering in short bursts.  He misses his Nana just like I miss my mom.  I wish I could take his hurt away, but his hurt will help him heal, just like it will me!

So every time I have that twinge that she's not here anymore I will stop and realize that Evan, Gugu, and all my family is having the same problem and it is completely normal! 

Missed Phone Call

So today is officially 2 weeks since my mom became an angel.  Not sure she got her wings yet, but I'm sure she is having a great time.

One thing I have noticed I do unconsciously is attempt to call her!  Isn't there a 1-800 number in heaven??

Just this morning I was getting my son ready for school.  We are going to take him to The Firehouse this evening.  A night of good food and some games; should be fun.  We decided to ask my grandma (aka Gugu) to go with us.  Because I know her so well I decided to play the "Evan card".  Yes we all know what that means.  For those of you who don't please pay attention.  This technique is very effective.

Evan: Hi Gugu!

G:  Hi honey.

Evan: You go with us to play games

Me: (in background) Do you want to go with us to eat at The Firehouse and play some games

Evan: You eat with us and play games at Firehouse please

G: Oh I suppose! 

Evan: Love you Gugu

Yes see you have a cute 3 year old ask and anything is possible!

So upon doing this I picked my phone up to call my mom and tell her my success in playing the "Evan card." 

FAIL

This is something I have experienced many times lately.  It's like the feelings of 2 weeks ago floods over me!  Mom needs to know this stuff!  I'm sure that up there she is "reading" my blog on the heaven web or something!  One can only hope!

The things I miss

So as I think about my mom I realize there are so many things I miss!  Let me just give a list:

1. I miss her calling....Yep I know it's hard to believe for some of you but I do!
Her famous calls..."where are you going?"  "what ya doing?" and lastly "when you coming home?"  All said with a high pitch shrill!
2.  I miss her sending cards like she did when I was a kid!  Yes I know very hallmark, but they meant a lot and left a major impression!
3.  I miss the way she would come over when Evan was sick and feed him ice chips!  He would only take them from her....It was very sweet to watch! 
4.  I miss.......I miss a lot!! Life is going to be challenging from here on out!  I can't call her when Evan does or says anything silly!  She won't be there when we take Evan to Kindgarten or when he graduates 8th grade! 

I remember thinking the night before she died about all the things I forgot to ask!  Like how to make her famous chocolate chip cookies.  She made awesome cookies!! 

This is just one of the minor yet major things that have crossed my mind and hurt my heart!  I know that she can see me and maybe she will leave me her recipe through osmosis!  Along with all her wisdom that I didn't believe in until I had a kid of my own, but that's another story!!

And so my blogging career begins

I am an avid blog reader of things like cjane enjoy it and nie nie dialogues.  I read these blogs and think I have no clue where to start or what to write about, I'm not that creative.  So with that I just vicariously lived through others abilities to blog!  This all until September 3, 2010! 

As some of you know my mom passed away on that day. ( It also happens to be my husbands birthday)  I began to think...and think...and think!!  This can be quite annoying at midnight or even 3am; lets be honest here too much thinking in the middle of the day can be down right frustrating!  So as I lay in bed tonight it dawned on me that I should write it all down!  Why store it in my head, is it really doing anyone good up there?? I know it's not helping me any!  So here I sit at 10:24pm spilling my  guts!

Let's see I'll start with my title choice!  I lost my father when I was 17 years old.  A man I never had much feeling for.  To me he was never the Leave it to Beaver kind of guy.  I did okay when he passed, no real love loss persay!  So when my mom became worse and I knew we didn't have much longer I began to think....There goes that again!  I realized that I would have no parents at the age of 30 (well almost 30 since my bday is in January).  I would be an orphan!!!  Is that even possible when your married and have a child? Good question!  But here I sit feeling like an orphan!  And with that came a title to a blog to which I hope to add many more days!  I want to write it all out and then go back and see how I have grown over time!  I think my head is clear enough now that I could try and sleep! 

I will attempt to write daily to hopefully make myself feel better!  Until then good night!!