5 months and 15 days...

Well I hadn't added anything in quite some time.  I'm not sure if it was life or me trying to heal but whatever the reason I just stopped!  This last 5 months has been hectic; we have been a like a really sad country song.  We have all been sick, we have lost a dog and a cat, and worse of all we lost my grandma who we all thought would live forever. 
It seemed like things were looking up after my mom passed but then my dear Grandma Ruby got sick.  This women has been the pillar of our family forever and never stopped.  She took care of everyone, and by that I mean everyone!  This women was mom, grandma, and great grandma to her own family and many others too.  When she began getting sick we didn't think know what was going on, a shock to us all.  My awesome aunt started living with her.  It was exactly what our family needed and everything seemed to be flowing.  As time went on we soon realized that grandma was not going to be with us much longer.  She did amazing things in her last 5 months; things I don't think I could have found the strength to do, but she did.  On February 18th 2011 just a short 5 months and 15 days my grandma went to be with my mom and grandpa. 
Her presence will be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO missed but I'm glad to know my mom has her mom back! 
Grandma Ruby we love you!!!

2 months and a day

Yesterday was exactly two months to the day since I became a psuedo orphan.  Wow has it really been two months?  What did I do in two months time?  The world just kept going in that two months too!!

So in two months and a day I have gone to the beach and wanted to call my mom!  I have been sick and wanted my mom!  I have daily got up and check my email and wanted to see my mom's name!  Yep I'm pretty sure I have missed my mom every single day and pretty much every single hour of that day.  It never occurs to you when you have everything that you do actually need or moreless want it, even when you think you don't. 

On our recent trip to the coast we hit the 101 and I got cell reception again.  I was waiting for there to be a message.....I waited a while until I realized no actual message would ever be left by my mom again.  When we finally got to the beach my aunt pulled out her phone and said, "oh!"  She then said I don't have to call your mom and tell her we are here anymore. 

All these things we use to "have" to do that seemed like a burden are now something we all want to do in the drop of a hat!    

Nana Day

A couple days ago Evan was having a "Nana Day."  It's a day where everything is about Nana.  First he got hurt and wanted his Nana, then he woke up from a nap and wanted to shout "I love you" to his Nana.  It was really nice to know that his small 3 year old brain was not forgetting her, so reassuring that she made an impact.  Our day progressed and so did the "Nana" references.  Some things actually made him a little mad, like someone flashing the I love you sign in sign language.  How dare anyone else do that but him and his Nana!  Then came good getting ready for bed; my favorite time of day.  Evan was showering and knocked on the wall...and behold someone knocked back! What?!?!?!  Who could it be?!?!?  Right away Evan says it's Nana mommy! My heart melted and tears started to flow.  He really loves and misses his Nana!  He instantly started hitting the wall harder and yelling, "I LOVE YOU NANA!!"  He got a little irritated when she didn't respond and I simply told him she loved him too and he just couldn't here her!  It's these simple things that make me realize that my mom's impression was left on all of us no matter our age or understanding level! 

Her Voice

Sunday was like every other Sunday, which is fantastic!  We got up and we to breakfast, but afterwards we went to Banducci's Pumpkin Patch for our annual pumpkin picking extravaganza.  It was awesome!  Jeff and Evan were walking around while I meandered through the pumpkins looking for the perfect one to dissect when it hit me.  Yes that train of emotion that barrels through like it has somewhere to be but plants itself in your heart.  My mom would not see our pumpkins this year.  Well actually she will see them, but physically there will be no inspection of them. 
So while I walked I held in the tears.  "I am fine!" "I am fine!"  I told myself.  I then ran into a long time friend...not old because then that means we are old, but a long time friend.  In less than 5 minutes I was a patient of hers, even though she's not a physicologist, crying my eyes out. Seriously poor girl!
Finally I drug myself back to the boys and home we went.  Evan needed a nap and I needed a LONG shower.  I was thinking, which is always a bad thing, about my mom and all the things I miss.  And geez for a fast train why was it not leaving my depot already???  I finally got out and down poured more tears.  Why your wondering?  Well it dawned on me I couldn't remember my mom's voice.  How silly a thought, but in only a month I have already forgotten how she sounds.  Why are our memories so short in remembering something we heard daily for almost 30 years? 
Upon the realization I went and cried to my attentive husband, who was unable to produce words, but I was okay with that.  Finally the train was leaving and I had cried and felt all the woos of the day! 
I realize now that bad days are only here on occasion and I will have to work through them.  The only good thing is it makes me concentrate on something I loved so dearly about my mom!

Happy Birthday Mom

Deborah Lynn McCan was born on October 6, 1950 in Hollywood, California.  She was a month early and still weighed 6 lbs.  So yesterday she would have been 60 years old.  Wow Mom your old!! 

Yesterday was a tough day.  Even though my mom wasn't big on festivities for herself I was well aware of the fact that no more birthdays would be celebrated with her.  In her honor, and would have been against her will, we had grandma's famous tacos.  I know your thinking my ______ makes great tacos, and that I don't doubt, but my grandma makes THEE best tacos.  So we went over to her house and let her cook (not sure she wanted to but oh well right) and devoured tacos.  We tend to eat in shifts cuz it takes a while to get the tortillas ready and let me tell you those shifts were short and sweet.  We devoured every last taco we could!

My mom had the tradition of making the tortillas.  And by make I mean fry them in olive oil until they are crispy and ready for consumption.  This meant I automatically got the job by definition, from a mother to a daughter right?  My sweet Aunt Carrie always holds the plate while my mom fried the tortillas.  She walked up to me with the plate and wimpered.  It was the realization that my mom was no longer there.  It was a nice quiet moment for the two of us as all the taco devouring was happening.

With our tummies full of tacos and delicious Aunt Carrie desserts we sat and laughed about life.  The "young crowd" in the living room laughing about plane rides and an impromptu game of charades, while the "elders" talked politics and other much more boring stuff.  This dinner was quaint and exactly how my mom would want it, no hoop-la! 

So with that said Happy Birthday Mom!  I'm sure you did exactly what you wanted in heaven!



I Need My Mommy

I MISS MY MOM!!!!

Ya it's a pretty evident statement.  I can't imagine a person in the world that wouldn't feel the same way.  I lay here now not feeling great and wishing my mommy could hold me.  I'm a little old for that don't you think??  But I honestly don't care!

This picture was sent to me by a wonderful friend and I love it because it reminds me of her so much.  I know towards the end she looked nothing like "herself" but this picture is the epitome of her.  I think now of all the things I miss.  I miss how she used to chew Clorets gum (that was way back in the day).  I miss how she laughed,  I miss how she said, "wellllll" when she was trying to get a point across.  I miss how she went down the line of all the family members to find someone.  Wow was that sometimes annoying!  I miss the catrillion emails I got on a daily basis from her; even though they were forwarded to every friend and family member she knew.  I miss how she'd tell Evan I Love You in sign language.  I miss everything annoying or not!  I could think of a bunch more things I miss, but I'm pretty sure I'd be here all night.  So it's plain and simple to say MOM I MISS YOU!!!

Ladders and Balloons

Today was a nice relaxing day.  We did a lot of nothing in the afternoon and it was great.  We went for our Sunday bike ride which was very relaxing as always.  We got home and decided to stay outside to enjoy the evening.  Evan swung and we both did stuff outside, again super relaxing.  It got dark, as it does at this time of year, so we sat on the grass and looked at the stars and planes.  Evan decided to proclaim his love for mommy, daddy, and Gugu!  Then I said tell Nana hi and he yelled NANA I LOVE YOU!!!  He then asked daddy to crank a ladder up into the sky so he could see his Nana.  I decided it was time to do something I had promised so I went and blew up a balloon. (I know who has balloons and helium readily available....Me!!!)   

So we went out in the grass and he hugged, kissed, and told the balloon he loved Nana and sent it up!  He watched it until it was completely gone and then said, "Nana already got it."  And then he decided he wanted to do one more just in case she didn't get the first one.

I want the feeling and thought process of a 3 year old!  I want things to be simple and I want to believe that Nana/Mom can be waiting and seeing me in the sky.  So even though that balloon was sent from Evan, in my heart it was from  me too!